School Shooting Drills in Kindergarten? - Our Kids New Reality

Every time I hear a news headline about another school shooting I just get so angry that we allow this to happen.  That we cannot do something to reduce the number of guns that get into the hands of nut-bugs who think its worth 15 minutes of fame to walk into a school of defenseless children with guns in hand (guns that they should never have been allowed to have in the first place) and murder as many children and teachers as they can.
It makes me angry that my Kindergarten and Second Grade grandchildren have to do 'shooter drills' at school.  That parents & grandparents have to be locked outside because of fear that one of us might be one of those nut-bugs.  That our school staff has to fear being killed when they go to work, at a wage that is already too low for the work they do, much less for hazard pay.

Why do we allow the NRA to have power over the peace and lives of children?  Why do we allow nut-bugs to get their hands on weapons legally when they have are obviously nut-bugs...in many cases their family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers know they have mental illnesses, but we allow them to legally buy guns at gun shows without even a check of their criminal or mental status.  We don't punish the people in their lives who make access to guns easy, like the mother of Adam Lanza (Newtown Killer) who purchased all of the guns and ammunition that he used to kill 20 children and 6 adults (including her). 

If we enforced gun registration like we do vehicle registration there would be less guns in the hands of nut-bugs because people who owned them and registered them in their name would not let them so easily get into the wrong hands.  No it would not solve the problem completely, but geez at least there would be some sort of maintenance over them.  If you had to register your gun like you do your car there would be an easy way to track who owned the gun used in the commission of a crime.  If you borrow my car and go kill someone with it, I am also liable... why shouldn't guns be that way?  If I want to drive a car I have to take a drivers training course and test for it, but I don't have to even know how to properly load a gun to get one of those.  If my car is stolen, I can report it and the VIN will help identify it if someone else is trying to sell my stolen vehicle...why not have that with guns?

The problem is, so many people buy into the bullsh!t that the NRA wants you to believe.  That President Obama wants to 'Take away your guns!" As depicted in this cartoon...

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However, THIS is more the Reality of gun control...

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What this is really about...Obama.  Sadly that is what it all boils down to.  The republicans have made it their goal to obstruct anything and everything that President Obama is for.  If he was against gun control I would be willing to bet they would be for it. 

When Ronald Reagan was Governor of California (see more about this story here) and had the BaJeezus scared out of him by the Black Panthers walking into the Capital building with loaded weapons, he proposed gun control so that no loaded weapon could be carried in any city in California except by law enforcement...and the Republicans supported him.   So maybe when the NRA (and Republican Politicians who are afraid of them) get the BaJeezus scared out of them, or one of their own children or grandchildren are killed at school by some nut-bug with an assault rifle and a bazillion round clip full of bullets, then maybe they will stop fighting 'Doing the Right Thing' for the safety of our kids.

This is not how I want my grandchildren to leave their school...

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Spending Too Much Time Looking Back?

Sometimes does it feel like you are spending too much time looking back. 

In the case of this scooter, it appears like you are being more cautious if can see clearly whats behind you.  But in reality, it will cause your more harm by looking back instead of forward.  Living your life always looking back is no different.  If you are dwelling on the past, you will miss the present and tarnish the future. 

For the better part of my 50+ years I kept allowing the past (my painful childhood) to stay ever present in my thoughts.  Somehow I thought, not on a conscience level I'm sure, that I could fix it, make it better.  I had a verbally abusive mother who neglected me emotionally and transferred her own self-hatred on to me...as a means for her to unburden herself of the negative feelings she felt.  I spent all of my childhood and most of my adulthood trying to somehow win her affections.  To convince her that I was lovable and had some worth.  It didn't work however, she wasn't capable of loving me 'the child' or me the adult.  We hadn't had any contact for at least the last 4 years when I decided that something needed to change.

In the beginning of my 50's I decided it was time for some kind of therapy to help me let go of this.  I couldn't move on in my life if I couldn't stop looking back.  I did several sessions of E.M.D.R. treatment with a specially trained therapist.  In doing so, I was finally able to open all those hurtful emotional times from my childhood and look at them now through the eyes of an adult - a strong, independent adult at that.

After one particularly difficult session I spent the next several days actually feeling the emotions of my hurt child-self, but while being this strong adult.  It was so very helpful in sorting out what baggage was mine, and what was my mothers that was forced upon an innocent child just wanting to be loved.  One night just about a week after that session I had a nightmare that turned out to not be scary at all.  Through this dream I was able to finally see myself, through my mothers eyes.  It was the wildest thing I've ever experienced.  I woke up very upset, but as my mind sorted through every tiny detail of the dream I came to understand completely how my mother was unable to love me...it wasn't me at all, it was her inability to love...anyone including herself.

That was the first time in my life that I was honestly able to forgive her for all the pain she caused me in my childhood.  I previously thought there was no way I was ever going to accept that I needed to forgive in order to let go.  I thought that would be condoning her behavior.  But suddenly I realized that her awful treatment of me had nothing to do with me.  It wasn't because I looked too much like my father (who she hated), it wasn't because I was too needy, it wasn't because of the color of my hair, or the extra weight she thought I needed to lose.  I did look more like my father, and I was desperately in need of love and tried so hard to win her affections, and my hair color was the opposite of hers, and I was a skinny child forced to follow drastic diets because she felt fat.  Everything negative she expressed to and about me, was how she felt about herself.  It had absolutely nothing to do with me. 

Almost immediately upon having this 'revelation', if you will, I was able to let it go and stop looking back.  Previously I could not talk about my painful childhood, or my mother, without tears welling up in my eyes and my lower lip beginning to quiver.  I could not look in the mirror and smile lovingly at the person looking back at me because my mother had convinced me that that person was unlovable.  But now I had finally released the emotions attached to that pain.  That was about a year ago and I have not looked back since.  I did not tell my mother that I forgave her, because it wasn't about her.  I don't want her in my life, but now I don't feel anger or guilt related to that choice.  I am finally moving forward without any of the pain pulling me back in time.  I am finally free.

Lunch With Archie Bunker?

Remember this couple?

Archie and Edith Bunker.  The character of "Archie, the bigoted working class man" was played by Carroll O'Conner, who was definitely playing the roll, because he was a liberal in real life.  This couple entertained us once a week from 1971 to 1983 and for many years to come in syndication.  I 'loved' the cranky old bigoted character Archie and felt sorry for Edith who had to live with this awful man. In many ways Archie reminded me of my own father.  But ultimately I grew up to be more like the actor who played Archie, liberal in my politics.

It's been over 30 years since that show stopped airing weekly, but Archie lives on in some people still to this day.  I know that because we had lunch with an ' Archie' one day -not by choice.  It all started one lovely Saturday just before noon...

My husband and I went to a fresh baked goods cafe to enjoy a nice lunch. We arrived shortly before noon, thinking we could beat the lunch rush, but apparently everyone else had the same idea because they were slammed.  We didn't see an open table in the place but a kind gentleman waved at me from a large table that would seat eight.  He said he had been with a big group that left a moment ago but he was still working on some paperwork so we could share the table with him.  We accepted his offer and sat down at the opposite end of the table so we wouldn't disturb his work.  Moments later an elderly couple was standing near us, looking around for a table themselves.  I passed on the offer of sitting at our table since it was plenty big enough for all of us.  They accepted my offer and sat in the two seats directly across from us.

The woman of the couple chatted with me about getting her garden started this spring, while her husband went to the counter to order.  She was pleasant and I enjoyed our brief moments of chit-chat while our husbands were up placing our orders.  I thought we might continue to have a pleasant conversation once our husbands returned, but that was not to be.

The moment her husband sat down he began complaining about the foreigners who owned the complex we were dining in. Called them Muslims, (he could tell this by their last names) and made derogatory statements about them. Said he was surprised we got such good food for this fair price.  How he connected the owners of the building, with the food quality and price set by the cafe owners leasing the space, I didn't get, but he tried to make a connection. My husband tried to make light of his comments by saying that this complex was dying out before the new owners came in and now the shops all seemed to be doing better. That went right past this man so I suppose he wasn't listening to my husband. He continued saying how the Muslims are taking over our country. My husband and I turned and gave a knowing look at each other, speaking the silent language that longtime couples use without saying a word.  We were both dissapointed that we offered to share our table with this couple.  The single man sitting at the other end of the table who shared it with us, was now gone. I assume he was either done with his work or didn't want to listen to this bigoted triad.

Eventually the man changed the subject (sort of), as he linked "those Muslims" to our president, "that black guy.' Who in his opinion was also a Muslim, and running this country into the ground. We gave each other that look again, this time saying in our silent language, "Is there another table open in this place?" We both looked around and saw that it was still standing room only.  If body language said anything, we were speaking volumes when we both turned our chairs towards each other and our heads as far away from his direction as possible. But he didn't pick up on our body language.  And our complete silence in this 'conversation'' seemed to go unnoticed as well because this man went on and on with his bigot rant thru the rest of the meal.  It wasn't a long, relaxing meal with small talk over a delicious lunch that we planned, we crammed our food down as quickly as we could so we could get the hell away from this man and his ignorant, negative rantings.  In that short 15 minutes time he covered his dislike for Muslims to the President of the United States, to black people and Africans in general, to singles mothers and even to the LGBT community.

Once we left the cafe we were glad to be free of that man, but felt sorry for his wife who had probably been with him a long time. She didn't join him in spewing hate, but she didn't give him the knowing married couple look either, the one that would have said, "Shut up, you are offending these people who might have a different view of things!" Or as Edith would have said, "Oh Archie!"


Ami Jo

I Witnessed Her Spirit

Before I tell you about my personal experience with a spirit, I want you to know that I am not a religious person.  I do not feel there is one God, nor is there one religion that is better than another.  I do feel there is a Higher Power, but that may be different things for different people.   I personally try to live an honest life without knowingly bring suffering to another.  I do believe in Karma and therefore try to always be honest and pure in my actions and thoughts.

So, with that being said, I want to share an experience I had many years ago while working in a nursing home.  It is the closest I have ever come to witnessing a spirit life, here on earth. 

One evening when I arrived at work at the nursing home at 10:00pm for my shift, I was informed about a new patient, who I will call Helen, that was brought to our facility because her family could not manage her at home.  Helen was in her late 50's and in the late-stages of untreated syphilis that was now effecting her brain and therefor her behavior was out of control.  Helen's misbehavior was that she would strip her clothes off and wonder the halls if she was out of our watchful eye for even a few moments.  At her families request, her doctor had prescribed a strong medication that was supposed to sedate her so she would be more manageable, but it seemed to have no effect on her.

I spent my entire evening watching Helen undress like she had spent her lifetime as a pole dancer.  I personally redressed her multiple times that night.  Sometimes as I was struggling to put her clothes back on, she would be stripping them off of another area of her body.  I felt so bad for her because her family said she was a very modest woman and would never have dreamed of acting out like this before.  The family told us that Helen's husband had cheated on her often throughout their marriage and apparently brought her home the gift of Syphilis which she did not discover until it was too late to treat it effectively.  So here she was in our facility, basically dying from this illness that her husband gave her with his unfaithfulness.

The next evening when I returned to work I was informed that during the day Helen went into a coma and was taken the the ER.  They returned her that evening, still in the coma, because they said there was nothing they could do for her.  This was so sad, such a waste of a good woman's life.  Since it was inevitable that she was probably going to die, they didn't want to put her in a room with an elderly person that might get upset if she passed in their presence, but her family could not afford a private room.  So it was decided to put Helen in a room with a young woman (in her early 40's) who I will call Mary.  Mary had her full mental faculties but was dying from cancer.  Mary had already made peace with her own death and happily agreed to allow this woman in a coma to share her room.  Mary was one of my favorite patients because we were about the same age and she and I enjoyed each others company during my shift and with her insomnia filled nights. Mary was in the bed nearest to the window because she enjoyed watching the activity outside during the day and star-gazing at night.

Helen was placed against one wall in the first bed, with the curtains pulled around her half of the room for privacy.  No family was with her during the night shift.  I would check her vitals and reposition her every two hours to prevent bed sores.  Knowing that Helen would likely pass away very soon, I had opened the window a few inches in their room.  This is sometimes done in nursing homes because many of the Native American patients believe that the window should be open to allow their spirit to leave.  This was not my belief, but I always wanted to respect the wishes of my patients, so I made it a rule to always do this just in case that was the patients preference but they were unable to communitate that to me.

After my 2nd round for the evening I went to the end of the long hallway that had 24 doors on each side of the hall.  The lights were all turned off in the rooms and only limited lights were on in the hall, so the light would not disturb anyone who may be sleeping.  I was facing the long hallway talking to another nurse who had her back to the hallway.  While talking to her I saw, just over her shoulder, a very bright light shinning out of Mary and Helen's room.  It was suddenly lit up, then just a suddenly it was gone, as if someone had turned on a flood light in the room, then a few seconds later turned it off.  I told the nurse, "Excuse me a moment, there was just a very bright light coming from one of my rooms, I need to go see what the heck is going on."  Mary, the cancer patient, was unable to get out of bed without assistance so it's not like she got up and turned on the overhead lights, and her bedside lamp isn't bright enough for that, and Helen's curtains were pulled around her part of the room, blocking Mary's view into the hallway.

When I walked into the room, Mary called out to me, "Ami, did you see that?" I said, "I saw something, what are you doing?"  She said, "I was just laying here awake and I heard Helen exhale kind of loudly, then there was a bright light that was on her side of the curtain, it almost blinded me.  I closed my eyes and it seemed to go through the room towards the window, then it went dark again."  This gave me chills up my arms and the back of my neck. 

I went behind the curtain to check on Helen.  She was of course very still being in a coma, but I noticed I could not hear her breathing.  I put my hand up to her nose and there was no warm breath.  I pulled my rolling cart in the room and checked her vitals but could not get a pulse or blood pressure.  She had passed away. 

The only explanation for the light happening at this moment was that Helen had died and her spirit had indeed left her body and exited the window, right passed Mary as she lay in her bed awake, but with her eyes closed because of the bright light passing over her.

I have never experienced anything like this before or since, but it gave me a whole new believe about whether or not spirits exist.  I believe without a doubt that they do.

Dogs Really Are a Mans (or Woman's) Best Friend

For the last 9 hours I've been laying in bed dealing with the pain of two back to back migraines complete with auras, pain, sensitivity to light, and nausea. I hope it goes away soon.  But until it does, I have my constant companion laying beside me. She has missed out on her morning and afternoon play routine, but you wouldn't know she missed anything judging by her totally relaxed posture.

Thank you sweetie for hanging with your sick mommy. I promise I will make it up to you tomorrow.

*Yes she is wearing a "shock collar" but I'm not abusing her, the tips are covered with rubber and the only setting I use is the vibrate. It is just enough distraction to stop her from chasing and pounding on my cats. She is way bigger than they are and can easily overpower them. My cats don't know aggressive dogs, so they don't fight back. So far it's working to remind her that "cats are our friends."

Roasted Apple Pear Juice Jar in the Butt Chicken - Not a Recipe

I can't follow a recipe.  I use to try, but there was always one ingredient that I wanted to eliminate or switch for something else. Or one step that I thought could be done a different way.  I see a cookbook as a book of inspiration, not as an instruction manual for cooking. Today I roasted a chicken.  I don't usually cook a whole chicken because I don't eat anything but the white meat, and I hate cleaning the remaining meat off the bone to use for other meals, it's just icky.  But I cooked a whole chicken this time because I was inspired, not by my cookbooks, but by this funky gadget the hubby bought the other day.

A few days ago I was shopping with the hubby at the Tractor Supply 15% Off Bucket sale, where you get the discount on anything you can fit inside a five gallon bucket.  For us, this started out as a great way to save money on things we already needed, but it soon became, "What else can I fit in this bucket? I don't want to waste this discount when I have a little more room in my bucket!"  We already put his Wrangler Jeans, that he so desperately needed a few new pairs of, into the bucket, but there was still more room left.  I added some wildflower seeds that I wanted to plant for the bees this summer. The hubby added some welding rods he wanted to try, and we still had a little more room!  So as we were approaching the check-out stand, looking frantically for one more item to save on by filling that last little space remaining in the bucket, we spotted something just the right size. (As you can tell, their marketing plan worked so well on us.)

By this point it didn't really matter if it was something we needed as much as it mattered that it fill up the bucket.  That last little item was a wire rack that holds a beer can, then you put a whole chicken over the can, so you can roast the chicken in an upright position.  It's suppose to make your chicken taste "Soooo Delicious" cooked this way.

Well now that we owned this new gadget I figured I should use it. I bought a whole chicken at the grocery store. (I don't eat my chickens, they are my pets.)  I don't drink alcohol, and if I did it wouldn't be beer (yuck) so I wasn't going to buy a six pack when I would only be using one can.  They don't sell singles in the store I was in, I don't know if they do at other places, because like I said, I don't drink (or buy) alcohol so I don't know about these things.  So I get the idea to use apple juice instead of beer, I'm sure I have apple juice at home since the grandkids drink lots of juices at our house. So off to home I go.

Well I didn't have apple juice, I have an apple-pear juice, and not in a can but in a funky shaped paper box.  Since I was just canning jam yesterday I still have my jelly jars out and look...the jelly jar fits perfectly in the wire gadget!

So I pour the juice in the jar and put the jar in the rack, then slide the whole chicken on top.  I gave the chicken an oh-so-casual pose for this shot...

Then I made my version of a tin foil Christmas tree skirt to keep the hot oil and juices from popping out and making a mess of my oven -I hate cleaning the oven.

Then into the oven it went to cook at 350 degrees.  I baked it at that temp for almost an hour then pulled it out and rubbed it with a mixture of softened butter and marjoram seasoning, (I would have rather used rosemary but I was feeling too lazy to go cut some from outside then dicing it up).

Back to the oven for another 45 minutes, and it was done!  What do you think of my Roasted Apple Pear Juice Jar in the Butt Chicken???

 - - -

Oops, I forgot to take an 'After' picture.  It was more golden bronze then above and smelled delicious!  The meat practically fell off the bone so I got distracted and tore into it. The 'after-after' pic isn't so pretty so you will have to trust me here.

I served each of us a breast over a beautiful salad with spring greens, tomatoes, cucumbers, and feta cheese.  Again, no pictures. But take my word for it, it was beautiful!

So even though we really didn't need this gadget, and I didn't use it exactly the way it was intended to be used, I am glad that it served as an inspiration for a great meal...sort of like my cookbooks do.

So I'm dying to know, are you incapable of following a recipe like me?  Or are you an anal cook who does it E-X-A-C-T-L-Y as it instructs you to do in the recipe? 

My 10 Best Tips to Make Using Online Dating Sites More Successful

After reading my previous post, "10 Critical Safety Tips Women Should Know if they Use Online Dating Sites" you are probably thinking it just too scary to date someone you meet online.  But it's not really, if you are aware of the red flags and warning signs, and use your best judgement.  I personally recommend using an online dating site if you are having trouble meeting prospective partners through 'traditional' methods.  Although it seems that online dating is quickly becoming the new traditional method itself.  And that's because, if used wisely, it Works!  My husband and I met through Match.com and are about to celebrate our 11th anniversary.  We are both very happy and cannot recommend online dating enough to our friends.  So enough of the scary stuff, now it's time to learn some valuable tips to make your online dating more successful.

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My 10 Best Tips to Make Using Online Dating Sites More Successful

1. Use a site that charges to connect.  This may sound counterproductive and like I am supporting those sites, but from my experience it's better because everyone has some 'skin in the game' so to speak. It shows someone is a little more 'invested' when they have to pay to contact you or receive your contact. Personally, I only met creeps, married men, or serial daters on the free sites. Not to say a paid services don't get these guys too, but I've found less of them on paid sites.  

2. Don't just include head shots of yourself, and for crying out loud use current pictures!  If you are not pleased with your body, or if you are older than you want men to think you are (judging by your profile picture that is 20 years old) it's better for your potential date to see the real you up front.  What purpose does it serve to only show head shots with your cheeks all sucked in, or old pictures, then meet this man in person and have him shocked at what you really look like. I see this all the time, where a full figure gal only posts head shots, taken at just the right angle.  Then she is pissed when the man gets upset at what she really looks like when the meet in person.  She blames him for not liking her because she has a few extra pounds, but truthfully, she was dishonest.  There are guys out there who are attracted to heavy women, thin women, short women, tall women, big busted women and small busted women, etc.  So show the real you and you will attract men who are interested in the real you!

I once was meeting a man on a coffee date.  When I arrived I thought he stood me up because I looked around for the man in the picture but he was nowhere to be found. Then a much older man walked up and introduced himself to me.  He was quite nice, and we enjoyed lite conversation over coffee, but we never spoke again because I felt he was dishonest.  Be honest about yourself so you don't waste either persons time by meeting the wrong person for you.

My advice is to get a friend to take some great full-body, activity shots of you in addition to your head shot profile picture.  This not only shows that you actively participate in specific activities that are important to you, it gives them a look at the real you.  And this goes both ways ladies, don't accept just head shots of a man you are interested in. Ask for more pics to show who he really is.  More pictures of the same person proves first -you are a real person and not a single photo stolen on the internet somewhere (yes, I've seen those too), and second -it gives you a glimps into their personality and interests somewhat.

3. Don't wait around for the man to initiate contact with you.  Take the initiative!  You have every right to do the picking too. I found that when I let the men do the picking, I got more creepy guys.  When I did my own picking, I found men that "I" was interested in, and we generally had better dates.   I was the one to initiate contact with the man who ultimately became my husband.  He had been the initiator with other women and was surprised when I contacted him.  He said he admired my initiative.

4. Don't choose men who are not close by.  Decide on what distance you are willing to travel (on a regular basis if things work out) and stick within that range.  Don't be tempted to go outside your area because if you do meet someone that you click with, it will be costly and time consuming to see each other and it will probably get old pretty quick.

5. Be open to all types of men.  If you only search within your usual type, you might miss out on a great relationship with someone that you may have never suspected you would connect with so well.  I know women who set their search parameters so tight (such as race, religion, age, profession, etc) that they miss out on some really great guys who might be just outside the edge of their parameters. Say you set your search range for men no more than 2 years younger than yourself, and you miss a fantastic guy 3 years younger, or you select only men of one race, but miss a super sweet guy who has all your desired qualities but he is mixed race and identifies himself slightly more with the one race that isn't in your parameters.  Be open and keep in mind that the men you picked in the past weren't right for you or you wouldn't be looking now, so don't keep picking the same type person...expand your horizons.

6. Think about your profile before you write it.  Ask friends to describe you so you know what people really think about you.  Make it personal, write your profile like you are talking to the person reading it. Don't be too wordy, it's a profile bio not a biography. After you do write it, but before you post it, have a friend read it, have a friend of the opposite sex (or whatever sex you are trying to attract) read it and give you feedback. Take the feedback and make changes as needed. 

7. Don't delete or hide your profile just because you find you like one particular guy one time.  Leave yourself open to other potential dates because you might miss the best match if you pull yourself out of the pool too soon. Just be honest with who ever you are seeing that you are still on the site.  And this goes both ways, don't be upset if the other person doesn't remove their profile either.  You are trying each other on for size, don't buy the shoe before you know it fits, (and if its going to give you blisters after several days of wear...so to speak).

8. You don't have to accept every person who wishes to connect with you.  Review their profile and see if it's someone who meets YOUR desired list of qualities.  You don't have to date someone just because they ask.  You are worth more than that, and if you don't think so then get some counseling and hold off on dating until you are confident in your own value as a partner.

9. Be clear what you desire, if you just want lots of dates, say that.  If you are looking for something long-term, say that too.  There is no point in keeping that to yourself and disappointing the other person a few weeks down the road when he discovers you are both looking for something quiet different in a relationship.  Also be clear about other desires or dislikes, such as if you are a smoker, or can't stand to smell smoke for example. 

10. Update your profile as often as needed, but don't change it every day, and don't re-invent yourself each time you make changes.  Be true to who you are and what you want and you will be more likely to attract the right person for you.

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I am a huge Dr Jenn Berman fan.  One thing I hear her say so often, but seldom see single people do, is make three lists, one with qualities you would "Like" in a potential partner, one list with qualities you "Must Have", and one list with "Deal Breaker" qualities.  Then stick to that list.  If you are dating someone who has none of the "Must-Haves" or has even one of the "Deal Breaker" qualities then you need to stop seeing them.  There is no point in continuing with this relationship because it will only bring you dissatisfaction.  

There are lots of great people out there looking for someone just like you.  Online dating once was so outside the norm that many people kept it a secret that they were even on such a site.  But things have changed.  Sometimes it's the only way to meet someone.  In my case, I would have never met my husband if it hadn't been for an online dating site. I worked the 10pm to 7am shift in a nursing home and slept until 2pm every day.  I wasn't likely to meet too many people to date with that kind of schedule. Furthermore, my husband and I didn't run in the same circles, so even though we lived in the same town, (less than 8 miles from each other) we had no friends or co-workers in common and would never have met without using online dating.

So give it a try!  You might just find your future life-partner, or at least have a great time dating and socializing with new people.

Disclosure: I am not affiliated with any online dating sites.  I have not been commissioned by any dating sites to make this post.  The links to dating sites in this post are NOT affiliate links and I will not receive any compensation from any of the companies if you use their sites.

10 Critical Safety Tips Women Should Know If They Use Online Dating Sites

If you are a woman thinking about using online dating sites in the future (or are already using them now) to meet men, please read this post!  Below are 10 Critical Safety Tips that you should know and apply to your dating practices, they could save your life.

I feel more than qualified to share this advice with you because I have "been there and done that" with online dating.  I met a lot of creeps, a few nice guys, been the victim of rape, and ultimately met my husband with whom I'm about to celebrate our eleventh anniversary.  Along the way I have learned quite a bit, mostly through my own mistakes that I am going to share with you, so hopefully you can avoid having the same negative experiences that I had.  Both of my adult daughters have used online dating because they saw the end result of their mother using it (and they now have an awesome step-dad). But thankfully they heeded my warnings and have been safe. Not everyone that I have shared this with has listened, and some of those women later regretted it.  Please don't be one of those women. 

I'm not suggesting that online dating is bad, or that you will surely have horrible things happen to you if you go that route to meet your future partner, but I am suggesting that you read each of the Safety Tips below so you have some ideas on how to keep yourself safe.  While this post is my "List of Safety Tips" that may seem scary, my next post is a "List of Tips for Success with Online Dating" to help you avoid the mistakes and pitfalls that so many women experience, so hopefully you will be more successful in your search for a great partner. I am the first to say that online dating was right for me, in-spite of the negative things I went through. Those results can be avoided if you just read these safety tips, take off your rose colored glasses so you can see things the way they really are, and use your good judgment.

My 10 Critical Safety Tips You Should Know If You Use Online Dating Sites:

1. Before you even sign up, get a totally new email address!  This is vitally important, and it's free to do, so do this first!  The reason that you need a new email address that is only used for online dating sites is because it gives you some anonymity.  Don't use your real name, or any part of your real name in the address. Don't use this email with your Facebook (or any social media sites where you can be found my searching for an email address). Create a unique email address that can't be linked to the real you.  Example, don't think you are being sly by dropping all the vowels in your name either.  I know a woman who did this and a man who connected with her once through a dating site was able to get her email address in their one correspondence.  He could see that it was obviously a name without vowels, so he was able to easily put her name together.  In that one correspondence she mentioned that she lived in a particular city too far from him, so dating him wasn't an option for her.  This additional information (her city) allowed him to do a quick Facebook search and he matched the faces to the one on the dating site, then contacted her through Facebook.  If the guy is a creep, you don't want him being able to find you this easily. So, create a unique email address and enter a made up name when filling in the email data. Use this email address ONLY for the dating site(s).  

2. For the reasons stated in #1, don't "friend" him on Facebook. If things don't work out, he would have too much access to you and your friends and too much personal information about you. Just a bad all around idea. Since we are talking about Facebook, check your privacy settings, make sure you are not that easy to find and strangers are not seeing everything you post or too much information about you

3. NEVER under any circumstances allow a man to pick you up at your home!  Women from my generation and older grew up in a time when the man was expected to pick you up at the door.  Well tines have changed ladies!  You don't want any man you just met to know exactly were you live, who lives with you, whether you have a guard dog, alarm system, close neighbors, etc.  This doesn't just apply to the first date, it should apply to all dates until you have been seeing each other at least for several months.  It takes that long for you to learn enough about a person to make that judgement, and sometimes even longer.  

4. Meet at a neutral location that is very public, with nearby parking. My suggestion is to meet for lunch somewhere, or maybe for a coffee.  The goal is to meet this virtual stranger in the most public place possible where he wouldn't dare try anything for fear of being seen.  Once you meet him, don't leave that place with him no matter how nice he seems.  If this paranoia disturbs him then you should take that as a warning.  A real gentleman will want you to be cautious.  He won't ask you to do anything that he wouldn't want his single sister doing. 

5. When getting to know each other don't share your life story.  Too much information given out could come back to haunt you if he turns out to be a creep.  If you never want to see him again, it's best if he doesn't know exactly where you work, what gym you attend, that you live alone or with just small children, that you don't own a gun...you get the idea.  Be general in telling him about yourself.  Best to share generally, like "I work out at the gym several days a week", but don't name the gym, "I work in the 'blank' field", but don't offer your company name.  Just don't be too eager to share everything, if he turns out to be a nice guy there will be plenty of time later to share particulars.

Listen to his life story (or as much as he will share) very closely. Do the facts add up?  Could he have really accomplished all he says he has in his adult lifetime? Does he contradict himself in his stories? You can learn a lot about someone by just listening.  

6. DO NOT have this man around your children!  Dr Jenn Berman suggests that you not introduce him to your kids for at least 18 months, although I think a minimum of six months to a year might be more realistic.  You should know there are men who troll dating sites specifically looking for single women who have small children they can exploit.  They just need to win the mother over and then it's easy to take advantage of their children. Don't give a pedophile a chance! I don't recommend that you even mention you have kids in your dating profile.  You can always mention that you have children when you are face to face, but still don't share particular beyond, "I have x number of children.  Don't show him pictures either, you can make an excuse like you changed purses for this date so they are in your other bag, anything that seems plausible.

7. Don't assume you know a man well after only a few dates, or after many hours of chatting online or via text.  A man can pretend to be whoever the thinks you are looking for.  He can do this for quite a long time in order to win you over.  Keep track of things he says that contradict things he said before...these are red flags that you should pay special attention to. 

This naïveté is how I was raped.  I chatted online with a man for a few weeks. We emailed back and forth during that time as well.  He shared with me a lot about himself (which I later learned was all lies), and the information he fed me made him sound like such a great, honest, upstanding guy in his community. He told me he worked at a high school in their IT department. His job was to help students and staff with computer problems and also to monitor their use to make sure no one was visiting sites with porn, or shopping when they were suppose to be working.  He said he was divorced because his wife cheated on him (poor guy), he owned his own house, helped his widowed mother financially, etc. He was very clean cut and fit the look of someone in his stated profession and lifestyle.  We seemed to like the same things too.  We never talked on the phone, just communicated via text, email, and chatting. This afforded him the ability to think about his responses to what I said so he could answer in just the right way. (This is a trick used by con men.) I was fooled, and agreed to pick him up at his place -this seemed safe since he wouldn't be coming to my place, right?  Well when I arrived he answered the door with the phone on his ear, appearing to talk to someone he cared about, his shoes were not on, but he had them in his hand.  He covered the phone and whispered, "I'm so sorry, I'm kinda running behind" then he pointed at the phone and gave me a look to say, "What can you do?" He waved me inside whispering with the phone covered, "come on in, I will just be another minute, ok?"

I walked in, he shut and locked the door behind me...I would rather not relive the rest, but you get the gist of what happened next.

8. Before you meet a man somewhere, get his full name, telephone number, and any other identifying information about him that you can gather.  Print out his profile page and make notes about what he says about himself.  Then give all this information to at least one close friend or family member. Include the time and place where you will be meeting him and what time you expect to return. Have a text check-in set up with that safe person, at least once during the date. My daughters do this, they text me when they arrive, during at least one pee break, then when they are safely back in their car away from him.  If anything were to happen during that time, I have an idea where she is, or was at a particular time. 

9. Don't drink alcohol on your dates.  It lowers your judgment and could get you in a situation that you otherwise would have been able to avoid.  You can't listen to details well if you are intoxicated even a little.  You need to be thinking clearly.

10. Use a smartphone app like the "B Safe You Personal Safety App".  I personally use this app when I am going to be by myself and want a little security, especially if I am traveling alone, or trying a new outdoor adventure and want someone to know when to expect me back and where to find me if I don't come back on time.  The app is FREE!  Had I used this service the night of my rape, someone could have sent help during the act, so he could have been apprehended. I can't stress the value of this type of product enough.  Please go check it out on their website at http://getbsafe.com/ to see how it could save your life.  It is available for both iPhones and Android devices.

I don't mean to sound like a commercial for them but... I tested it out using my husbands phone as my emergency contact.  I hit the emergency button (there are multiple ways to activate it) and it instantly sent a message to his phone that included an SOS message from me along with my exact GPS location AND a live recording of what was happening to me at the moment.  You see, the moment I activated the emergency, it turned on the video and audio recording and transmitted a link to that info to my husband.  If this had been an actual emergency I could have recorded my attackers face without him knowing.  I could have recorded my surroundings, his license plate, a building or room I was in, and our entire conversation. The app continues to monitor my GPS location and sends that to my emergency contact so they can give it to law enforcement.  The only way to turn this off is to enter a secret code.  If my attacker demanded my code to deactivate it, I could give him a 'fake' code, that once entered, it would 'pretend' to be shutting off the emergency service, but it would then send a message to my emergency contact saying I used a fake code, Send Help! and it would continue transmitting GPS location and audio/video secretly. 

This app makes me feel very safe.  I had my daughters each download the app as well. I hope you will download it too!

Now enough of the scary stuff.  I didn't give up on online dating sites after that horrible experience happened to me.  I took a break for sure, but when I came back to it, I did so with a much higher awareness of what I needed to do to be safe.  My actions helped me to stop attracting such creeps too.  If you are sending the signal of being a vulnerable woman, the creeps will spot you quickly but they wont waste too much time on a wise, cautious woman. 

My next post is "Tips to Make You More Successful With Online Dating".  Be sure to subscribe to my posts so you don't miss it!

I'm Not Sweating the Small Stuff in Writing This Blog

Do you fret over having perfect grammar, spelling, or punctuation when writing posts on your blog?  I've promised myself that I'm not going to. I probably should care about such things but I think a minimal effort, ie: proof reading at least once and using spell check will be good enough.  It's just my Ramblings for goodness sakes, it's not like I'm writing a book that will be published and sold on amazon, so why stress myself out? I can be quite anal doing certain things, willing to accept nothing less than perfection, going over and over it making myself crazy. But in reality, no matter how many times I look it over, there will always be some tiny little something that gets overlooked.  Until it goes public that is, then my mistake will become a glaring one, lit up like a neon sign, causing my blood pressure to rise as I hastily try to fix it before someone else notices it.

But I've decided to not let myself be perfectionistic about this blog.  I am going to focus more energy into conveying my thoughts instead.  I think that will keep it fun.  So if you notice a type-O, or that my grammar isn't so great, then you can just keep that to yourself :-).  I welcome comments about how you feel about what I've said, those comments are not only welcomed, they are encouraged!

What about you? Do you sweat over every single word instead of enjoying the act of writing something you will share publicly? Do you require yourself to write a certain number of posts on a strict routine? Or do you just write when the mood hits you, or you have something to get off your chest?  And finally, did you start out writing one way and now your writing style is totally different? Maybe your blog isn't even about the same subject that it began with? I'd love to hear about it!

Ami Jo

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog, "Ramblings of Ami Jo!  I know I'm a bit of a late bloomer with just starting a blog and all, but I have been reading many other blogs and always find myself wishing I had a blog so I could put my thoughts to the written word for other like-minded people to read and converse about different topics that happen to be going on in my life at the moment.

So I stopped procrastinating and finally did it...I do hope you will enjoy reading my Ramblings enough to join the conversation.  I will be sharing my thoughts on many subjects from politics, religion, social issues, what's in the news or just what's on my mind at the moment.  I welcome your feedback, but if you just lurk around reading and don't comment, that's fine too.  I've been a silent lurker myself ;-)

Ami Jo